My day was greeted by the pre-pants-soiling hot flash and throat choke that can only mean one thing… YOU’RE LATE!!
This is an unavoidable side affect of going to sleep 3 hours before you have to wake up. 4 hours- you’re cool, 2 hours-you’re cool… 3 hours- YOU’RE SCREWED!
Are you taking notes? Because I’m sure the events of today occurred solely to be gifted to all of you as an invaluable 2nd hand learning experience.
Lesson #1, despite your body’s natural reaction (which is usually projectile vomiting) I find it useful to “keep calm and carry on”. I had to surrender to the fact that my flight has already departed.. There is nothing you can do to change that… But there IS (most likely) another flight to wherever you are going… And to avoid missing that, you should probably hurry.
Lesson #2. it is NOT a coincidence that airline CSAs physically resemble cave trolls. They are the guardians and gate keepers of the skies…and being such, they deserve your respect. Try to resist the urge to curse them out… It’s your fault you are in this sweaty armpit of a situation, not theirs.
Today I greeted my CSA with a compliment: “wow, that suit really compliments your figure sir… I mean mam…”
…. I was rewarded with an aisle seat on a direct flight… Actually an upgrade from what would have been window in the exit row (which is code for this chair doesn’t recline and you might as well jump out the plane) and a connection in Denver. It pays to be kind. Ladies… It also pays to be hot… Just a thought.
I had plenty of time to make it to my new and improved flight… But I wasn’t quite in the clear. I lost control and almost slapped the TSA agent for asking me to consolidate my bags before I went through security. Instead I took the high road and told her “I’d be happy to… If you consolidate your mouth!”… She didn’t hear me… Because I said that in my head…
Much like the customer service agents, security personnel (most of whom are miserable A-Holes) deserve respect. That’s why Lesson #4 is to play it safe: only travel with the TSA regulated 3 oz. Gels creams ad aerosols. Keep electronics separate, and for the love of god wear socks… Cuz u know the shoes are coming off.
On the subject of shoes off… Today I was reminded, by my friend, mentor, and accidental travel companion Marty, that the easiest way to turn your travel day from hell on it’s heels to a delightful happy day is to sit your butt down at the airport express spa. Yes gentlemen, I said spa… If Marty can do it, you can too… There is nothing wrong with paying a small Vietnamese woman to lube you down from knee to toe and make u feel like you could walk to your final destination.
My final travel day lesson lies in the boarding process. Note: you WILL be turned away at the podium if you attempt to board before your zone is called. If you are really dying to get to your seat before the masses, I would recommend traveling with a small child. If you are really willing to travel with a small child I would actually recommend dying. A delightful alternative that would be to do what I did… Make friends with someone traveling first class priority access by association;-).
For extra credit, and good travel karma, do as I did, and ALWAYS give up your seat so that friends and family members can sit together… As long as that doesn’t land u in a middle, exit, bulk head, next to a baby… Or next to my brother… Flying gives him gas.